tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-266500470279543672024-03-14T00:39:12.636+00:00Tube DreamsRe-run daydreams of classic Hollywood hotness.Unknownnoreply@blogger.comBlogger23125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26650047027954367.post-78073780820356857862013-04-12T03:20:00.000+01:002013-05-27T16:28:07.407+01:00Spaghetti and Beefcake<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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As with American B-movies of the '50s, European B-movies of the '60s and '70s often featured lots of prime beefcake. This was especially true of the most notorious form of eurotrash cinema, the spaghetti western. Not only did these Italian westerns feature hunky Americans like Burt Reynolds, Brian Kelly, John Philip Law, and of course Clint Eastwood, but they also usually starred even hotter homegrown stars, like Fabio Testi, Franco Nero, Maurice Poli, Giuliano Gemma, Tony Kendall, Tomas Milian. In addition, since these films were grittier, sexier, and more fantastic than traditional westerns, the men were often shirtless and/or undergoing various forms of bondage and torture. Yee-haw! And the stories, the attitude, the humor, the anti-heroic antics, and the general weirdness of these flicks made them more fun to watch than just about any other genre.<br />
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One of my all-time favorite spaghetti westerns was one of the first ones I ever saw (after the usual obvious classics like <i>The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly</i> and <i>My Name is Nobody</i>) - <i>Death Walks in Laredo</i>, or as it's know in Italian, <i>Tre Pistole Contro Cesare</i> ("Three Guns Against Caesar"). The story of three half-brothers - an American gunslinger (with more trick gun gadgets than James West), a Chinese martial artist, and a French hypnotist/magician - fighting for their inheritance against an evil land baron, <i>Death Walks</i> was fantastic, funny, oddball, and action-packed. Also, it starred a very hunk named Thomas Hunter, a handsome, muscular, square-jawed stud. Best of all, the movie's climax features about ten minutes of a shirtless Hunter in action, first in the requisite torture scene and then in the final showdown with the villain, Julius Cesar Fuller (you gotta wonder if the Italian writers thought "Fuller" was a common American name because of TV western star <a href="http://tubedreams.blogspot.com/search/label/Robert%20Fuller" target="_blank">Robert Fuller</a>), the "Caesar" of the film's title and the caesar of his little Texas empire.<br />
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<b>Caps from <i>Death Walks in Laredo: </i></b><br />
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Since I usually found the Italian spaghetti western stars to be hotter and handsomer than their American counterparts, and since so many Italian stars took Americanized names ("Bud Spencer", "Terence Hill", "Fred Munroe", "Tony Kendall", "George Ardisson") - and also because I'd never heard of him - I assumed Thomas Hunter was an Italian who'd been given a macho-sounding Anglo name. He looked the part. With his tall-dark-handsome looks, unapologetically hairy body, and lean and defined muscularity (instead of slightly slouchy like Eastwood or overly musclebound like Charles Bronson), Hunter looked Italian, or at least too slender and ripped to be American. To my surprise, it turned out that Thomas Hunter was his real name and he was in fact born in Savannah, Georgia, a former model turned actor who, like <a href="http://tubedreams.blogspot.com/2011/12/attack-of-bulging-breeches.html" target="_blank">Ken Clark</a> and <a href="http://tubedreams.blogspot.com/2011/05/who-yearns-for-adonis.html" target="_blank">Michael Forrest</a>, made movies on both sides of the Atlantic, but primarily in Europe. In his later years he turned writer, producing scripts for big (or at least bigger) budget Hollywood films like <i>The Human Factor, </i>with George Kennedy, and <i>The Final Countdown</i>, which starred Martin Sheen and Kirk Douglas. <br />
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Considering how well known he seems to be in the genre, it's a bit surprising to learn that Hunter only made two spaghetti westerns, <i>Death Walks in Laredo</i> and <i>The Hills Run Red, </i>which was actually his first starring role, produced before, but released the same year as, <i>Death Walks</i>. (<i>The Hills Run Red</i> is available on DVD but unfortunately <i>Death Walks</i> is not, so I had to pull caps for this post from an old VHS tape, which explains the poor quality.)<br />
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<b>Caps from<i> The Hills Run Red:</i></b> <br />
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Luckily, Hunter was a busy man both overseas and in Hollywood, and he was able to make pulp cinema in every available euro-genre - German Cold War espionage (spaetzle-spy?) thrillers, psychological horror, murder mystery, police action, even a campy-vampy comedy, <i>The Vampire Happening</i>. And, also fortunately, European filmmakers appreciated his pinup appeal. In seemingly all of his European movies, Hunter appears shirtless (often just in underwear or a speedo), especially in <i>Vampire Happening</i>, where as the boytoy of a Hollywood star and the sex slave of her (well-preserved) vampire grandmother, he puts in plenty of time showing off his great physique; and in the race car driver/cat burglar-turned-spy pic, <i>The Magnificent Tony Carrera</i>, where he shows up in scenes wearing only a speedo and pajama bottoms. (For a guy who seems to have just come by his great physique naturally in the pre-physical trainer/steroid days, Hunter's body almost redefines "ripped".)<br />
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<b>Caps from <i>The Vampire Happening:</i></b><i> </i><br />
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<b>Caps from <i>The Magnificent Tony Carrerra:</i></b><br />
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<b>Stills from Miscellaneous Eurospy Films and Thrillers starring Hunter:</b><br />
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Hunter also had roles in American productions alongside major Hollywood stars, working with Robert Mitchum and Peter Falk in <i>The Battle for Anzio</i> and with Sophia Loren, Burt Lancaster, and Richard Harris in <i>The Cassandra Crossing</i>.<br />
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<b>Caps from <i>Anzio</i>: </b><br />
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There's not much known about Thomas Hunter apart from his movie resume - his IMDB entry is pretty spare and Google searches came up empty - but his films are a lot of fun (even the cheesy-sexy Benny Hill humor of <i>Vampire Happening</i> is a lot more enjoyable than any of the teen angst vampire crap on TV and in movies today, but maybe it's just that I like flicks full of bare tits). Like fellow American eurostars Clark and Forrest, he produced an entertaining body of spaghetti cinema work, with his own entertainingly hot body providing lots of extra spice for the sauce.<br />
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<b>Some Stills from Hunter's Spaghetti Westerns:</b><br />
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<b>Death Walks in Laredo </b><br />
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<b>The Hills Run Red</b><br />
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<br />Unknownnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26650047027954367.post-31839735967286547082013-04-04T14:26:00.003+01:002013-04-04T14:33:05.550+01:00Top Billing-ton<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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Just a quick update to post some new pics of perennial favorite Michael Billington, buff, hairy chested Brit star of <em>UFO</em>. You have to be a real stud to get away with the short-short cutoff look, and I think Billington pulls it off. He gives a certain dignity to the the Village People-on-the-Thames look. I'm not sure about the shiny gold collared blouse, medallion, and purple pants, however. I'm not sure anyone could pull that outfit off.</div>
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Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26650047027954367.post-17113107352377765682013-01-08T18:33:00.000+00:002013-02-22T14:06:03.118+00:00Argentina Mon Amor<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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The great thing about old movies and TV shows is you never know when a previously unknown hottie is going to appear in the most innocuous old flick or sitcom. Case in point: <i>Fun in Acapulco</i>, an Elvis Presley travelogue/resort commercial from 1963. I'll watch any old thing with the Beatles or Elvis in it, but when I got midway into this flick I totally lost interest in The King and was instead focused on his Latin rival, El Rey - Alejandro Rey. Rey competes with Elvis for the love of Ursula Andress, who of course chooses Elvis. I on the other hand would have chosen Rey hands down (with Andress for dessert). A quick IMDB search informed me that Rey's his chief claim to fame was as a nightclub owner in <i>The Flying Nun,</i> and that sure seems a waste. This guy was hot! Nice moderate dusting of hair on beautifully sculpted pecs, abs that would do Bruce Lee proud, and a ruggedly handsome face - he looked like the living embodiment of the concept "Latin playboy polo jock".<br />
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Born and raised in Argentina, Rey was already well known as an actor in his home country before coming to the US in 1960. He seems to have immediately scored a number of roles on TV and in movies, including a recurring role in Richard Crenna's <i>Slattery's People</i>. He seems to have had steady work throughout his career, even if it meant appearing in such classically awful fare as <i>The Stepmother</i>, about a murderer being cuckolded by his own son. He died young of lung cancer in 1987.<br />
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<b>Stills from Miscellaneous Movies and TV Shows</b><br />
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<i><b>Fun in Acapulco with Elvis and Ursula Andress</b></i></div>
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<i><b>(this scene is not in the movie - the fight takes place in a hotel lobby, and Rey and Presley are unfortunately fully clothed) </b></i></div>
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<a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-VO3sTcBVM9c/UOxU_RB1SLI/AAAAAAAACI4/SYwGwtLacgo/s1600/alejandro-rey-stills-006.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-VO3sTcBVM9c/UOxU_RB1SLI/AAAAAAAACI4/SYwGwtLacgo/s320/alejandro-rey-stills-006.JPG" width="243" /></a></div>
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<b><i>Slattery's People </i></b></div>
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<i><b>Thriller Episode: "La Strega", with Ursula Andress again </b></i></div>
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<a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-wvgtacCCH4E/UOxVivrRE8I/AAAAAAAACJ4/UsT0xa5wGIE/s1600/alejandro-rey-stills-013.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="241" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-wvgtacCCH4E/UOxVivrRE8I/AAAAAAAACJ4/UsT0xa5wGIE/s320/alejandro-rey-stills-013.JPG" width="320" /></a></div>
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<i><b>With Sally Field in The Flying Nun </b></i></div>
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<i><b>The Alfred Hitchcock Hour, "The Life Work of Juan Diaz"</b></i></div>
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<b>Caps from <i>Fun in Acapulco</i></b><br />
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<b>Caps from <i>The Stepmother</i></b></div>
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<br />Unknownnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26650047027954367.post-26689634302266880242012-08-12T21:22:00.002+01:002013-02-22T14:05:46.370+00:00Planet of the Abs<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<em>Beneath the Planet of the Apes</em> marked the first time a Hollywood studio attempted a relatively big budget sequel (studio execs were desperate for a hit after a series of expensive flops), and the producers and writers believed they needed the movie’s climax to feature a stunning revelation to equal that of the famous buried Statue of Liberty scene in the original Planet of the Apes. So, in true Hollywood fashion, unsure of how to top that image of Lady Liberty buried like a prehistoric Colossus, the movie’s writers threw any number of “stunning” revelations at the audience. An underground metropolis based on the remains of a buried New York City. Peopled by ugly mutants who looked like they’d been flayed alive, all exposed blood vessels and nerves. Who are telepathic. And have a Doomsday Bomb that can wipe out the planet. That they pray to like a god. And which they intend to use if the apes invade. Which they do use when the apes invade – thereby destroying the world (again). Just after they brutally kill all our heroes - James Franciscus, Linda Harrison, and Charlton Heston - in what is possibly the most nihilistic movie ending ever.<br />
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In fact, after a point, the movie is nothing but a series of “shocking” revelations - and our heroic trio’s reactions to them. Which makes it a great comic book movie, and the best of the Apes movies after the first. It also turned out to be the most profitable. But for me the best revelation came when James Franciscus’s character, John Brent, swapped his astronaut togs for a buckskin diaper. Holy physique, Batman! Not only did Franciscus have the looks of a comic book hero came to life but... The man had abs! And pecs! They looked like they’d been painted on by Frank Frazetta or Alex Ross. Franciscus pulling off his shirt to reveal rippling torso muscles that looked copied from the first overlay of an anatomy textbook illustration was a much more interesting revelation to me than a mutant pulling off a humanoid mask to display a monster face from the subcutaneous layer beneath.<br />
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<strong>Stills from <em>Beneath the Planet of the Apes</em>:</strong><br />
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<strong>Caps from <em>Beneath the Planet of the Apes</em>:</strong><br />
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Franciscus came to prominence in the early Sixties, when Hollywood seemed determined to find and exploit perfectly handsome – manly and pretty - male faces. Guy Madison, Ray Danton, Rock Hudson, Montgomery Clift, Robert Fuller, Chad Everett, Alain Delon, Van Williams, John Gavin, Gardner McKay - the list of incredibly handsome men from that period goes on for miles. Franciscus was among the hottest of these hotties, and the only blond among them. And he had abs! Sure, he wasn't as perfectly built as <a href="http://tubedreams.blogspot.co.uk/2010/05/best-chest-in-wild-wild-west.html" target="_blank">Robert Conrad</a> - but who was? (Who is, even today?) As a package, Franciscus was stunning. With his honey hair and caramel complexion, that creamy white smile and those berry-blue eyes, that torso boasting two rounded scoops of mammary man-muscle topped by nipples that looked like Hershey's kisses licked down to nibble-tempting nubs, that rippling breadbasket all glazed over with sweet shiny sweat - Franciscus was a steamy, dreamy hot stud sundae.</div>
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And the hotness didn't stop with Franciscus. His co-star, Linda Harrison, who played Planet of the Apes native human Nova, was his physical equal in female form - gorgeous face, stunning body. Tall, tanned, and toned, she was, like Franciscus, lean, well-proportioned, and athletic without seeming artificially enhanced in any way. She rocked the cavegirl bikini even better than Racquel Welch in <em>1,000,000 Years B.C.</em> - and that's saying something! Given the nature of the film, there wasn't time for a romantic subplot (besides, Nova and Charlton Heston kind of had a thing in the first <em>Planet of the Apes</em>, making for kind of an awkward threesome), so the film cuts to the chase and keeps the involvement purely sexual. In one of the few lighter moments in a dark film, Nova ogles Brent as he strips down (see the animation below), and the bad guy mutants use the couple's mutual attraction to coerce Brent's cooperation, making Brent force on Nova the most rapacious French kiss I'd ever seen in a movie. It was pretty obvious this kiss was a metaphor for <em>something else altogether</em> (<a href="http://www.hentai-foundry.com/pic-45597.html" target="_blank">this illustrator at Hentai Foundry clearly got the message</a> - <strong>NSFW</strong>).<br />
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Brent eventually meets up with Taylor (Charlton Heston's character) and the two men hug, fight (under the mental command of the aforementioned evil mutants), make up, and run off with Nova to kill Apes and Mutants.</div>
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An aside: There is a meme among <em>Planet of the Apes</em> fans that Franciscus was chosen for the role because of his physical resemblance to Charlton Heston. I don’t know how this got started, but it makes no sense to me. First of all, the lead was originally meant to go to Burt Reynolds – who bears no resemblance to Heston at all. Second, Franciscus was always director Ted Post’s choice for the role, because Post thought of Franciscus as a rising star. But finally – the two men look nothing alike. Heston looks Scotch-Irish, brown hair with a ruddy complexion; Franciscus looks Nordic, blond and tan. Heston was 6’3” and built like a linebacker; Franciscus was under 6’ and built like a triathlete. And most obviously, Heston was hairy-chested while Franciscus was smooth. (Although a hairy-chested Franciscus is sure worth thinking about.) It's one thing for talking apes to get the two confused; of course all humans look alike to them. But humans should be able to see the difference.<br />
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<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-V7eCnqhd9do/UB7g1EEHVAI/AAAAAAAAB2k/kkma9CsPNQY/s1600/james-franciscus-charlton-heston.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" eda="true" height="180" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-V7eCnqhd9do/UB7g1EEHVAI/AAAAAAAAB2k/kkma9CsPNQY/s320/james-franciscus-charlton-heston.JPG" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Franciscus and Heston: I don't see the supposed resemblance.</td></tr>
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I watched <em>Beneath</em> every time it came on TV, and when VCRs came out during my horndog preteen years it became the first VHS tape I owned. Not long after that, I discovered <em>Wild Wild West</em> reruns and Captain Picard in <em>Star Trek TNG</em> and moved on to other obsessions, but <em>Beneath</em> still has a special place in my erotic memory.<br />
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As far as I know, Franciscus never appeared shirtless (or better) in his television shows like <em>Mr. Novak</em> and <em>Longstreet</em>, but he was often shirtless or in a swim suit in his movies, although nothing on the order of <em>Beneath</em>. Following is a gallery of some beefcake shots from his some of his other movies.<br />
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<strong>From <em>Hell Boats</em></strong><br />
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<a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-Vz7JZCZO3nY/UCgMko7bemI/AAAAAAAAB9U/3sHritnCbB8/s1600/james-franciscus-hb-008.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img alt="" border="0" height="240" kda="true" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-Vz7JZCZO3nY/UCgMko7bemI/AAAAAAAAB9U/3sHritnCbB8/s320/james-franciscus-hb-008.JPG" title="james franciscus shirtless" width="320" /></a></div>
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<a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-ZRPLKCMg55w/UCgMd3MCoII/AAAAAAAAB8s/SxYudsNJwhE/s1600/james-franciscus-hb-003.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" kda="true" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-ZRPLKCMg55w/UCgMd3MCoII/AAAAAAAAB8s/SxYudsNJwhE/s320/james-franciscus-hb-003.JPG" width="320" /></a></div>
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<a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-sLWkW4qYKLA/UCgMiCvNdmI/AAAAAAAAB9E/ZAtdpF2KukY/s1600/james-franciscus-hb-006.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" kda="true" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-sLWkW4qYKLA/UCgMiCvNdmI/AAAAAAAAB9E/ZAtdpF2KukY/s320/james-franciscus-hb-006.JPG" width="320" /></a></div>
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<strong>From <em>Concorde Affair</em> (Franciscus was 45 when it was shot - still looking great)</strong><br />
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<a href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-kyXkLJchZyU/UCgNsWSt2xI/AAAAAAAAB9k/fW66Setvvg8/s1600/james-franciscus-cca-011.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img alt="" border="0" height="168" kda="true" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-kyXkLJchZyU/UCgNsWSt2xI/AAAAAAAAB9k/fW66Setvvg8/s320/james-franciscus-cca-011.JPG" title="james franciscus speedo" width="320" /></a></div>
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Unknownnoreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26650047027954367.post-91003381108979077022012-07-21T16:21:00.001+01:002012-07-21T22:07:07.814+01:00Running Men<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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Hollywood is famous for plagiarism, re-running successful ideas, and repeating themes, memes, tropes, motifs, images, yadda yadda yadda. Most of the time however this is a conscious, deliberate decision. Fairy tales for adults is the current dumb idea that Hollywood types keep stealing from one another.</div>
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On the other hand, some times certain scenes or themes are subsconsciously repeated, reflecting a cultural obsession, fear, realization, or whatever. Growing up watching late sixties and seventies reruns in the eighties, I noticed a lot of these themes, but one that I really liked, for erotic reasons, was the scene in which a misplaced Anglo was stripped down to what nature gave him and chased, hunted, and captured by natives, "savages," or, in the case of Sci-Fi, aliens. I'm not sure what cultural preoccupation this reflected - maybe the seemingly endless fear of white, Western society that the barbarians are at the gate, but it didn't really matter to me since my sympathies were with the natives. I wanted to be the hunter tracking down naked studs.</div>
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This was probably a movie theme prior to the sixties, but I first "thrilled to the hunt" with what is probably the quintessential flick in this genre, the appropriated named <em>Naked Prey </em>(1966). The film's tag line pretty much sums up the plot: "Stripped, turned loose like a wild beast ... a manhunt of indescribable terror and screaming suspense!" Cornel Wilde, who was 52 at the time but still trim and muscular, portrays the hunting guide for a safari party in southern Africa, whose leader insults a local tribe. The tribe retaliates by killing everyone in the party but Wilde. Instead they strip him of his clothes and send him off into the wild, to be hunted for sport by some of the tribesmen. Wilde isn't really naked but is instead wearing a tight-fitting, flesh colored maxi-speedo, but most of his well preserved body is on display the whole flick.</div>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Wilde in his fleshtone Speedo.</td></tr>
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<em>The Naked Prey</em> was based on the American legend of the trapper John Colter, a mountain-man guide for the Lewis and Clark. Some time after the famous Lewis and Clark expedition, Colter was captured by Blackfeet Indians and hunted in a similar fashion. <em>The Naked Prey</em> transfers the story to 19th-century Africa in because Wilde, who not only starred in the movie but was also its producer and director, received financial aid from the South African government.</div>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-FV9eP0liJyA/UAq8avhdl8I/AAAAAAAABfI/lJkAPVMCQoQ/s1600/jon-colter.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" hda="true" height="256" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-FV9eP0liJyA/UAq8avhdl8I/AAAAAAAABfI/lJkAPVMCQoQ/s320/jon-colter.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Naked Prey was based on the story of John Colter, an early 19th century guide who was pursued by Native American. The story was set in Africa because the production received funding from the South African government.</td></tr>
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Two years later, Charlton Heston would be hunted in a similar fashion - but this time in the future not the past and by talking apes not African warriors in <em>The Planet of the Apes </em>(1968).</div>
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The hunky Heston, and his handsome and well-built fellow astronauts Robert Gunner and Jeff Burton, stranded on what they think is a barren planet, are so excited to find a watering hole that they immediately strip and dive into the pond. While they're swimming, mysterious hands are stealing their clothes and equipment. The men notice and pursue the cavemen thieves, finding their shredded clothes and ruined gear just in time to be caught up in the pursuit of these primitive people by the superior species on the planet - apes. Of course Heston is caught and later stripped and tied up and tormented by the apes, so his naked butt is frequently seen, and his hairy chest is pretty much on display the whole movie. The movie's pretty liberal with the nudity - Gunner, Burton, and Heston all bare their asses, and there's even a glimpse of Heston's dick - but for some reason they felt obliged to clothe the men in the same kind of maxi-Speedo worn by Wilde in <em>Naked Prey</em> during their run-through-the-jungle scene.</div>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-TbqLUlZCqA4/UAoKgssG2cI/AAAAAAAABWU/GN4ljh18u2g/s1600/charltonheston--bodysuits.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" hda="true" height="255" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/-TbqLUlZCqA4/UAoKgssG2cI/AAAAAAAABWU/GN4ljh18u2g/s320/charltonheston--bodysuits.JPG" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">The cast of <em>Planet of the Apes</em> in their fleshtone Speedos, not unlike the one worn by Wilde in <em>Naked Prey</em>. Heston's fellow astronauts, Gunner and Burton, were cast late and wore fake beards.</td></tr>
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No such modesty was deployed in <em>A Man Called Horse</em> (1970), in which Richard Harris plays an English aristocrat on a hunt in America who is captured by Sioux. He is abused and ridiculed by his captors, but he eventually learns their language and ways, gains their respect, and ultimately becomes their leader. But in the beginning of the movie he is caught while bathing in a nearby river and chased down like an animal - and he's as naked as one throughout. The Sioux name him "Horse" because they treat him like a beast of burden, but when you see Harris's long schlong flopping around as he runs, you have to wonder if they didn't also have another equestrian point of comparison in mind when they named him.<br />
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</div>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26650047027954367.post-40560124944810429782012-06-07T02:58:00.001+01:002013-02-22T14:04:41.807+00:00Yessir, Professor!<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
In each generation there comes a time when every young male has had to take a stand and make his choice known: Ginger – or Mary Ann? Sexpot Ginger might have been the supposedly obvious choice to share a hut on <em>Gilligan’s Island</em> with, but year after year, homespun hottie Mary Ann emerges the winner whenever a poll is given on the question. <br />
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But for some of us, the answer was neither of these sex kittens. For some of us, the only choice that made sense was... the Professor.<br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Russell Johnson played Professor Roy Hinkley on <em>Gilligan's Island</em>.</td></tr>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Johnson co-starred in the western, <em>Black Saddle</em>.</td></tr>
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Portrayed by veteran movie and television actor Russell Johnson, the Professor was the only good looking male on <em>Gilligan’s Island</em>. With his nice firm body and handsome, masculine face, Johnson’s Professor provided the closest thing to beefcake on a show famous for its cheesecake. I long believed this was this was just a fortunate accident in casting – everyone knew “professors” (“Professor” Roy Hinkley was actually a high school science teacher) were supposed to be scrawny, balding, bespectacled nebbishes. I assumed that the producers just didn’t realize that they were casting a handsome man as the Professor, that they just picked some guy they thought was average-looking to play a Don Knotts-type role. But I was wrong – seems that were looking for a hottie. In interviews, Russell Johnson has himself told the story of how the casting director tried to get him to take off his shirt during his audition, to judge his “sex appeal” (Johnson refused, but got the part anyway). And recently the pilot for <em>Gilligan’s Island</em> has surfaced, with a different actor playing the Professor – hairy-chested soap stud John Gabriel. It seems the Professor was always intended to be the sexy male castaway. He was by design the first adorkable nerd stud.<br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">In a dream sequence, the Professor fantasizes that he is ravished by the women of Gilligan's Isle.</td></tr>
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And the producers succeeded in this aim, and not just with me. I once heard an interview on a public radio show, I think with Dawn Wells, the actress who played Mary Ann. It seems she and Russell Johnson were doing a public service speaking engagement at a federal prison. When they got there, the men were chanting for their favorite Gilligan’s Island hottie. But no, they weren’t demanding to see Wells’ character Mary Ann. And they weren’t asking for the absent Ginger. They were chanting, “We want the professor.” This freaked Johnson and Wells out a little, and they canceled the engagement, if I remember the story correctly.<br />
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But if the producers wanted a guy with sex appeal, a guy who looked good shirtless, they didn’t seem to pursue the idea when they went into production on the show itself. Of the nearly one hundred episodes of Gilligan’s Island, the professor appears shirtless just twice in the first season and once in the third. The best appearance was the first, in an episode called “St. Gilligan and the Dragon”. In a dream sequence, the Professor fantasizes that he is a movie star and the Ginger and Mary Ann are fans that rip his clothes off. As he dreams, the Professor strokes his bare chest in a way that makes me think the early 60s censors were asleep during the episode.<br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">The only other episodes where Johnson appeared shirtless had him dressed up like a "native" - because pink skinned people are often natives of uncharted Pacific islands.</td></tr>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Handsome soap star John Gabriel, shown here in a still from the Gilligan's Island pilot, was originally cast as the Professor.</td></tr>
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Unknownnoreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26650047027954367.post-60006859175524685532012-05-29T14:28:00.000+01:002013-02-22T14:05:25.211+00:00That Fuller Feeling<div style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none;">
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The all-time most popular post on this blog has been "Lonesome Cowboys", about <em>Laramie</em> co-stars Robert Fuller and John Smith, and some of the most popular search terms are "Robert Fuller" and "Robert Fuller shirtless". Fuller was one of the most handsome men in a period in TV history that specialized in handsome men, he had a nice, muscular body, and his bulge... well, <em>fuller</em> is a good word for how he packed a pair of jeans. And fortunately, for whatever reason, the conventions of the time called for the hero to be frequently stripped to the waist, tied up, or both.</div>
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Caps from <em>Laramie</em></div>
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Some Miscellaneous Promotional Photos</div>
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Some Press Photos from Fuller's 1970's Hit Show, <em>Emergency!</em></div>
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Unknownnoreply@blogger.com18tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26650047027954367.post-44350914799084125922012-03-18T14:29:00.002+00:002012-07-21T16:25:15.815+01:00Fandangler<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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I've never understood Kevin Costner's appeal, but I've never been immune to it either. The lean but undefined body, the frat boy smirk, the drawl that too often slips into a whine - not sure how that adds up to such an attractive package, but it does. The guy is undeniably, if undefinably, hot.</div>
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My introduction to Costner came by way of two movies on television in the 1980s - <em>Fandango</em> and, later, <em>American Flyers</em>. To this day, <em>Fandango</em> is still my favorite Costner flick. The story of some friends from the University of Texas on one last road trip before going their separate ways (and likely to Vietnam), it's a slight, fun buddy film that when, all is said and done, seems more genuine and imaginative than the big blockbuster message movies Costner favored creating when he became the biggest star in Hollywood for a while. Judd Nelson, Sam Robards, and Chuck Bush are all great as his co-stars. </div>
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Of course, the appeal of <em>Fandango</em> may simply be all seeing Costner in his colored jockey shorts and cowboy boots - again, a package that is a lot more intriguing than it sounds.</div>
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Unfortunately, VHS and DVD releases of <em>Fandango</em> have always cut several scenes from the movie I saw on television. In most movies, editing seems to be a good thing. Director’s cuts usually suck. But in the case of <em>Fandango</em>, the edits not only make no sense, but the exclusion of these scenes makes the entire film make less sense. These missing scenes establish important character traits and relationships and provide a more accurate sense of the desultory, misdaventure-riddled pace of a road trip. In addition, the scenes themselves are some of the best in the flick and, more important for the point of this post, include a skinny-dipping scene with Costner once more in his tighty-blues. The quality of these caps isn’t so great, but they show Costner and buddies at a swimming hole, stripping down to their underwear and then to their birthday suits before being hailed by the swimming hole’s female property owner. You can see Costner clutching his briefs in the second-to-last cap.<br />
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</div>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26650047027954367.post-67723775759022163412012-02-04T15:25:00.002+00:002012-08-12T22:43:13.951+01:00Hondo Bondage<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
Is there anything more homoerotic than the cowboy? A rugged, athletic man working in the outdoors all day managing dangerous animals, wearing chaps, pointy boots, and spurs, and utilizing crops, bullwhips, branding irons, and rope (lots of rope). Living in close quarters with other men, with no one but occasional whores for female companionship. Okay, you can see why TV westerns were often accused of being subliminally - and at times blatantly - gay.<br />
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Now double down on that and put the cowboy on the receiving end of being wrangled, roped, and rode hard. Whoo-eee. That's cowboys in bondage. And there was a lot of that, both in movies and on TV, in the 1950's and '60's.</div>
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Of course, <a href="http://tubedreams.blogspot.com/2010/05/best-chest-in-wild-wild-west.html" target="_blank">Wild Wild West is famous for its bondage victim, Robert Conrad</a>, but there were plenty of others. And one of the hottest was one of the last - Ralph Taeger in <em>Hondo</em> in 1967.</div>
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Taeger was a tall (6'3"), muscular former pro-baseball player who turned to acting after an injury ended his pro sports career. His first TV series was a western of sorts, Klondike, set in the Alaskan gold rush of 1897, with co-star James Coburn. The series flopped after just a few episodes, but the producers liked what they saw in the team of Taeger and Coburn so they moved the pair to then present-day Mexico, threw in Telly Savalas, and made the pair bodyguards for a rich dude with a shady past in Acapulco. That too flopped. Finally, years later Taeger had his last series in Hondo, based on the John Wayne movie. Hondo, too, lasted only a few months, but made a more lasting impression on its audience.<br />
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And looking at the caps below, it's easy to see why. Taeger was one helluva stud - great pecs and abs and a body fat percentage that had to be in negative numbers. When he beats the Apache warrior in that kinky little bondage wrestling game they play (see below), you believe it. He certainly gives Robert Conrad and Clint Walker a run for the money in the western stud category.<br />
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</div>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26650047027954367.post-59017079032007050052012-01-15T14:50:00.002+00:002012-10-10T02:48:29.150+01:00Best Betz (Who's Your TV Daddy? - Part 3)<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
Along with Ward Cleaver and Ranger Ricks, Dr. Alex Stone (<em>The Donna Reed Show</em>) is one of TV's most fondly remembered DILF's. Carl Betz, who played Dr. Stone, is probably better known as Clinton Judd on <em>Judd for the Defense</em>. He worked steadily in television before dying young of cancer in 1978.<br />
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Betz didn't appear shirtless often, but even clothed he cut a fine figure, and he remained in good shape throughout his career, looking as good, if not better, on <em>Judd</em> as he did on <em>Donna Reed</em>.</div>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">With Jeff Bridges and Vera Miles in <em>In Search of America</em>.</td></tr>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">As Clinton Judd in <em>Judd for the Defense</em>.</td></tr>
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Unknownnoreply@blogger.com8tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26650047027954367.post-17277438255721589102011-12-29T03:08:00.000+00:002012-07-10T18:57:45.596+01:00South Pacific Sexpot<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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Beefcake B-movie star Ken Clark’s first big role was in an A-Plus-movie (from the producers’, not critics’, point of view) – <em>South Pacific</em>, the film version of the biggest musical hit of the 1950’s, which was the biggest film of 1958 as well. (Clark also had a supporting role in the Elvis Presley western <em>Love Me Tender,</em> but it was not significant.) Although Clark’s role as Stewpot was only a supporting one, it was still a major, high profile part in a blockbuster film, and unfortunately for Clark this first big break turned out to be the high point of his Hollywood career. After <em>South Pacific</em> he would go on to work in increasingly less prestigious productions, first in quality television shows like <em>Alfred Hitchcock Presents</em>, then as a domestic B-movie star in drive-in fare like <em><a href="http://tubedreams.blogspot.com/2011/12/attack-of-bulging-breeches.html" target="_blank">Attack of the Giant Leeches</a></em> and <em>12 to the Moon</em>, and finally as a leading man in foreign secret agent (“eurospy”) and sword-and-sandal (“peplum”) flicks.</div>
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But at the time of <em>South Pacific</em>, his star seems to have been rising, and he’s all over the film – and there’s a lot of him to see, even in minor moments. His brawny, muscular frame looms large over every scene involving the crew of the , and he even has a solo, “There is Nothing Like a Dame” (although Clark in fact only lip-synced the song; the dubbed vocal was actually done by Thurl Ravenscroft, better known as the voice of Tony the Tiger and as the vocalist for “You’re a Mean One, Mr. Grinch”). But what really, ahem, stands out about his performance is the huge bulge in his sailor jeans. As in the aforementioned <em>Attack of the Giant Leeches</em> and <em>12 to the Moon</em>, he’s busting at the seams, the size and shape of his manparts at times almost “indecently” well defined. Stewpot indeed – Clark seems to be packing plenty of beef and potatoes in his denim bellbottoms. As the film progresses, you start to wonder why they didn’t just name him Sexpot – it’s that obvious. Someone was having a very good time staging this Pacific Theater version of the Battle of the Bulge.<br />
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There’s also lots of shirtless action, showing off Clark’s great physique. In one scene, he appears wearing nothing but a pair of red speedos (surely no actual GI’s wore bikini briefs in the South Pacific during WWII?), parading his blond hairy pecs and grapefruit-sized shoulders around the island.<br />
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Then in a later sequence, said torso is shaved smooth as a baby’s butt as Clark appears as a Bacchus figure in the movie’s “musical within a musical,” a clump of grapes dangling suggestively in front of his crotch (although after watching his bulging crotch for the previous 90 minutes, the hanging fruit of his loins seems almost chaste).<br />
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It’s not clear why Clark’s career never took off – he wasn’t a bad actor, and he seems to have had a lot of opportunities (including a failed TV show of his own, <em>Brock Callahan</em>), but in any case, Hollywood’s loss was Europe’s gain, and Clark enjoyed a long career in Italian films.</div>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26650047027954367.post-66051122686224275372011-12-24T22:34:00.000+00:002012-07-06T23:50:38.960+01:00Attack of the Bulging Breeches<div dir="ltr" style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none; text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
Some of the best finds come when you’re not looking. Late one night years ago I was channel surfing when I came across an odd little horror flick produced by Roger Corman (Executive Producer) and his brother Gene (actual Producer), <em>Attack of the Giant Leeches</em>. I’ve always liked Roger Corman’s movies, because they do so much with so little and are almost always quirkily entertaining.<br />
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Gene Corman, who around this time (1958) also produced <em>Beast from Haunted Cave</em> (starring <a href="http://tubedreams.blogspot.com/2011/05/who-yearns-for-adonis.html" target="_blank">Michael Forest</a>) and <em>Night of the Blood Beast</em>, seems to have shared his brother’s talent for both thrift-shop moviemaking and offbeat storytelling.<br />
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<em>Leeches</em> fits the “quirkily entertaining” Corman mold, all right. The film has an amusing group of characters, including superhot cheating wife Yvette Vickers (of <em>Attack of the 50-Foot Woman</em> fame) who is chased, along with her white trash lover, into a nearby swamp by her obese buffoon of a husband, where they are kidnapped by the giant leeches of the film’s title. (I say “kidnapped” because the leeches don’t kill their prey immediately, but carry them off to an underwater cave where they feed on them for several days.) This was not typical "Monster of Teen Beach” fare, but the intersection of <em>Swamp Thing</em> and rancid redneck romance.</div>
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Ms. Vickers and the Southern trash theme were more than enough to get my attention, but on top of that the flick introduced me to Ken Clark, a brawny stud who has been aptly described as a blond Clint Walker. Blond, blue-eyed, tall, broad, muscular, and hairy, Clark was like a comic book character come to life. Clark plays the hero, the local game warden upon whom the burden of solving the problem of the giant leeches falls. Even his name sounds like a comic book character’s – Steve Benton – calling to mind a host of blond, uniformed he-man comic book characters: Steve Rogers, Steve Canyon, Steve Trevor. He could have played any one of them and looked perfect for the part.<br />
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Clark first gets our full attention when he answers his door shirtless, showing off his broad, muscular, hairy chest. Holy Sean Connery, Batman! – talk about a golden fleece! Even in black and white you can appreciate the blond rug on this guy’s sculpted pecs. But it gets better a few minutes later when, strutting down a hillside to join his girlfriend (Jan Shepard), Clark lets us know in no uncertain terms that his endowments go way beyond huge delts and biceps and a chiseled torso. Sure, the guy is handsome and you can make out his broad shoulders and chest under his tight uniform, and he looks hot as hell and all, but you forget all that pretty quickly when you notice his bulge swelling and shifting as he walks. VPL? More like VP&BL+++. It looks like he’s got a sausage and two tennis balls stuffed down there.</div>
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Clark’s bulge goes on to entertain and fascinate for rest of the flick, almost a character in itself, until the end, when he has to don a pair of swim trunks and diving gear, the straps of which unfortunately conceal his crotch. But that’s okay – by that point you have a pretty good idea of exactly what Mr. Clark is packing down there and are ready to appreciate some closeups of his hairy chest, which arrive soon enough. A blond Clint Walker for sure – although with perhaps an even deeper voice and certainly hairier chest. The guy is just a walking sex bomb.</div>
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Clark started out as a physique model before he got his big break as Stewpot in <em>South Pacific</em> (which deserves its own post in the future). But he wasn’t destined for the big time. He appeared mostly in b-movies, first in the U.S. and then in Europe, where he starred in Sword and Sandal, Western, and Eurospy flicks made mostly in Italy. He died recently in Rome. <br />
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<em>Some early physique photos of Clark.</em></div>
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<em>From a European magazine - the Clarktastic bulge.</em></div>
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<em>Clark starred in another Sci-Fi flick, 12 to the Moon. Their spacesuits are something else (apparently in the future imagined in 1958, crotches were custom-tailored and compartmentalized).</em></div>
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<em>Clark was a frequent guest star on Alfred Hitchcock Presents.</em> </div>
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<em>In the 60s, Clark starred as Agent 077 in a series of Eurospy films.</em></div>
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</div>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com7tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26650047027954367.post-63587980114781609342011-11-27T20:04:00.000+00:002012-07-10T23:37:14.192+01:00Flesh and Blood<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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B-movies are a great place to find vintage beefcake, so much so that the popular site, <a href="http://www.briansdriveintheater.com/" target="_blank">Brian’s Drive in Theater</a>, has an entire section called “B-Movie Beefcake” (and an overflow section called “More B-Movie Beefcake”).<br />
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Today’s post is about two b-movie studs, William “Bill” Joyce and Robert Winston (who also went by his full name, Robert Winston Mercy), both of whom starred in cut-rate horror films that were made in the mid-1960’s but not released until 1971 to fill double-bills. These films also feature similar subject matter: one is about flesh-eating zombies, the other about sacrificial blood drinkers.<br />
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<strong>I Eat Your Skin</strong> stars soap actor William “Bill” Joyce, a tall (6’5”), well-built stud who at times looks like he could have played Superman (his forehead is frequently assaulted by a runaway lock of hair) and at other times looks like Bill Murray’s handsome older brother. He’s hairy-chested, broad-shouldered, and muscular, if a little flabby around the gut – but not bad for 1964.<br />
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Joyce plays Tom Harris, a writer who travels to a Caribbean island to research voodoo legends for a novel. There he chances upon the lab of a cancer researcher who has discovered how to turn the locals into zombies by using snake venom – and is being forced by his evil boss into creating a zombie army to conquer the world.<br />
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<strong>Blood Thirst</strong> stars Robert Winston as Adam Rourke, a New York sex crimes detective who is brought to the Phillipines, by his old buddy Inspector Ramos of the Manila Police Department to help solve a string of bizarre murders involving the girls who work at a local nightclub. <br />
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Winston, with his muscular but beefy build and chiseled-granite handsomeness, looks like the offspring of a Rod Taylor-Hugh O'Brian one night stand. Rourke solves the murders, which involve a cult devoted to blood sacrifice and a monster whose head looks like a blob of bubblegum spit out by the 50 Foot Woman. Winston gets tied up with his shirt ripped open, so at least there is some gratuitous bondage.<br />
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Both films are pretty awful, but they do have the redeeming quality of showing off some mid-60s hunkiness.</div>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26650047027954367.post-68395880064791359882011-05-21T14:50:00.000+01:002012-08-12T22:43:41.167+01:00Who Yearns for Adonis?<div dir="ltr" style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none; text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
One of the most famous episodes of the original <em>Star Trek</em> series begins with the Enterprise stopped dead in it tracks, held up in space by a giant ghostly hand - a hand which, it turns out, belongs to the god Apollo (although for some reason the episode is titled "Who Mourns for Adonais?"). Long ago exiled from Earth, Apollo is now the last of his kind - a race of aliens who visited our planet 5000 years earlier, where they were worshipped as gods. Having a fresh bunch of humans literally in hand, he decides they can become his slaves and worship him again. <br />
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Of course, this being <em>Star Trek</em>, the super-powerful alien is eventually outwitted and defeated by Captain Kirk and his crew.</div>
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All in all, this is a pretty worn-out sci-fi premise - but fortunately the character of Apollo was well played and the episode, instead of just being silly, actually manages to be both moving and marginally thought-provoking. But much more importantly, Michael Forest, the talented actor who plays Apollo, is appropriately hot enough to be worthy of sun god worship.<br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Michael Forest as Atlas in Roger Corman's film of the same title.</td></tr>
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For Michael Forest, Apollo was not entirely foreign territory. A few years earlier, he'd played Atlas in the Roger Corman sword 'n' sandal flick of the same name. At 6'3", well muscled, hairy-chested, and athletic, with curly black hair and piercing eyes, he looked every bit like a Greek god/hero. Apollo, Atlas, whatever. Adonis was certainly an appropriate label for this stud, too.<br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Cowboys and Indians, Good Guys and Bad Men - Forest played them all.</td></tr>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Forest plays an Indian (again) as he co-stars alongside <br />
Racquel Welch, Jim Brown, and Burt Reynolds in <em>100 Rifles</em>.</td></tr>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Forest plays a resistance fighter in <em>Combat!</em></td></tr>
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Forest never made it big in films or TV, but he has had a long, varied, and interesting career that saw him alternate guest roles on dozens of American TV shows, especially westerns (where he played cowboys and Indians, heroes and villains) with supporting roles in movies, starring in a number of European films, doing voiceover work for anime, and even having sex with Madonna in Body of Evidence. Possibly his most unusual role was playing alongside Star Trek's Leonard Nimoy in Genet's Deathwatch, a year before his appearance as Apollo on Star Trek, where he plays a bizarrely tatooed prison inmate on whom Nimoy's character develops a dangerous crush. Radical stuff in 1966, the tag lines for this flick are hilarious today: <em>Homosexual outlaws on a rampage! The strangest love triangle ever filmed!</em> <br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Forest with Leonard Nimoy in <em>Deathwatch</em>.</td></tr>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Yet another role for which Forest has achieved cult sci-fi fame - <br />
as the leader of the biker aliens in the <em>Twilight Zone</em> episode, <br />
"Black Leather Jackets."</td></tr>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">As Zarko, the whip-wielding wench wrangler in <br />
<em>The Saga of the Viking Women and Their Voyage to the Waters of the Great Sea Serpent</em>.</td></tr>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Starring as the ski instructor hero in <br />
<em>The Beast from Haunted Cave.</em></td></tr>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">As Nick Andropoulos on <em>As the World Turns</em>.</td></tr>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">As Madonna's murder-victim husband in <em>Body of Evidence</em>.</td></tr>
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Through it all, Forest seems to have totally enjoyed himself. In interviews he always comes across as funny, humble, very intelligent, and thankful for the opportunities that the acting profession has provided him.</div>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26650047027954367.post-42124224930321853742010-10-28T02:56:00.000+01:002012-07-10T23:39:15.595+01:00Who's Your (TV) Daddy? Part 2<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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Brian Kelly of <em>Flipper</em> seems to always be at the top of everyone's Hottest TV Dad list. It's easy to see why. A former marine and son of a Michigan governor, Kelly was extremely handsome and had a strong, masculine build, barrel-chested in a 60s-college-football-star way. As game warden Porter Ricks on <em>Flipper</em>, he exuded the kind of strong-without-swagger masculinity that seems to have gone out of style a generation or so ago.</div>
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Kelly's career was cut short by a severe motorcycle accident in 1969 when the a borrowed motorcycle exploded on him. He was left with a paralyzed right arm and leg and speech problems. He sued and won a settlement, which he used to produce the Harrison Ford classic, <em>Blade Runner</em>.Unknownnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26650047027954367.post-78866008577709909532010-10-28T02:03:00.000+01:002012-07-21T22:15:20.220+01:00O Captain My Captain<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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I had this lust/hate thing for <em>Star Trek's</em> Captain Kirk. Personality-wise, I thought Kirk was a jerk. Whether the series’ writers intended it or not, Kirk came across as condescending, bombastic, idiotically “courageous”, ready to risk his life and that of his crew at the drop of a tricorder. He seemed like an Ugly American in space, or worse – an Ugly Canadian, since he was annoyingly self-righteous to boot.<br />
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On the other hand, he was kind of hot, although I’m not sure why. Though handsome, William Shatner’s Captain Kirk was short, pugnacious, and a little pudgy (and apparently already balding) – and for some reason the show’s producers thought it was a good idea to keep Shatner’s normally hairy torso shaved as smooth as a preteen boy’s. Not to mention the weird thing they did to try to color over his nipples with makeup. (And yet, in one episode, Spock is stripped to the waist alongside Kirk and he is Alec Baldwin-hairy, which makes no sense; you expect the earthman to be, well, earthy, and the egghead, asexual Vulcan to be as hairless as a Tolkien elf. Go figure.)</div>
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Maybe what really turned me on was the gratuitous bondage and faux torture used as a device to enable the shirt-shedding of the young blond captain. Kirk was shown shirtless for no very good reason in numerous episodes. In one, he was stripped and whipped, alongside the aforementioned very hairy-chested Spock, by Nazis. (Yes, Nazis. In outer space.). In another, he was made to wear the kind of chest harness popular with leather S/M guys (was this the start of that fashion?) and he lost his shirt in that same episode because it was shredded from his body as he was, yes, whipped. In yet another episode, he was hung shirtless by the wrists and “whipped” by force rays from an alien's instrument. (Flagellation seems to be poised for a huge comeback in the 23rd century.) On yet another occasion he was totally naked except for a metal bar across his crotch, as a giant android made a duplicate Kirk by spinning him around on a lab table-cum-lazy-susan, so we had two identical, almost nude Kirks side by side when the spinning wheel stopped.</div>
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William Shatner of course went on to other roles – TJ Hooker, Denny Crain, and most famous of all, Priceline Spokesman – but to me he was never again close to being sexy or even very good looking after <em>Star Trek</em> (although he was permitted to show chest hair in <em>TJ Hooker</em>). He was at his hottest in <em>Star Trek</em>, which is what you expect in a captain. The show seemed to miss this lesson but lucked out anyway with Patrick Stewart in <em>Star Trek TNG</em> (that is, I think they intended for Number One Jonathan Frakes and not the bald, slight Stewart to be the show’s sex symbol, but they failed to appreciate how hot Stewart really was), and finally figured it out by casting the more obviously handsome and hard-bodied Scott Bakula in <em>Enterprise</em>. But Stewart and Bakula are topics for another day.</div>
</div>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26650047027954367.post-73458536738481535792010-06-10T04:09:00.000+01:002012-07-06T00:07:03.011+01:00Moonbase Alpha Male<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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In high school I used to babysit rich people’s houses when they were out of town. It was the best gig ever. I got to escape from home for extended periods of time, I stayed in much nicer digs than my parents’ house (sometimes the houses I stayed in even had pools), I got to investigate a rich variety of porn collections, and best of all they all had cable TV, which we did not have at home. (And oh yeah, I got paid for loafing around watching TV, getting high, and doing that thing high school boys do the most when they are left alone.)</div>
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So one cold winter day while channel-surfing through what at the time seemed an amazing number of cable channels, I came across a sci-fi show made by Gerry and Sylvia Anderson, the people who had made <em>UFO</em>, which co-starred the studly <a href="http://tubedreams.blogspot.com/2010/05/ultrahot-furry-obsession.html" target="_blank">Michael Billington</a>. I hoped this new show, called <em>Space:1999</em>, would also feature Mr. Billington, but sadly it didn’t. The show starred Martin Landau and Barbara Bain, formerly of <em>Mission:Impossible</em> in the days before Peter Graves (and, more importantly, Sam Elliott), as well as some old English dude named Barry Morse. As with <em>UFO</em>, the cast were in skin-tight, bulge-showcasing “futuristic” clothing, but this sexy attire was wasted on the (to my mind) unappealing cast. Worse, the show was not all that great and had bad special effects – basically it was about a space station on the moon, named “Moonbase Alpha”, that is lost in space when the moon is blasted out of Earth’s orbit by a nuclear explosion. The show was well-acted, but nothing the crew did made me particularly care about their plight (the Martin Landau character was even more obnoxious than Captain Kirk, something I would not have thought possible). Still, I watched on in case a hot guest star appeared or something. Besides, there wasn’t a lot else to do. This house was occupied by an old couple who had no porn.</div>
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I was about to give up on the show altogether when what to my lusting eyes should appear but a hot, hairy blond dude with a taut, muscular body (as I said, these clothes were very revealing), a perfect bubble butt, and a huge bulge in his crotch that put the other cast members’ members to shame. I hoped against hope to see this dude shirtless and, voila, by the end of the episode we was stripped from the waist up. The guy had a ripped muscular torso covered in dark blond hair, muscular hairy arms, great definition all around. In fact, by the end of the episode he had for me totally eclipsed Michael Billington, who to my tastes was neither as handsome, nor as well-built, nor as well-endowed (if comparative bulges were any indications) as this blond guy. During the credits I learned that the character was named Captain Alan Carter and he was played by Australian actor Nick Tate.</div>
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I watched every episode of the show that I could after that, and while Tate’s hot body continued to excite, I never again saw him shirtless. Also, he seemed to stop being blond after the first season, his hair becoming more of a reddish brown as he presumably spent less time on Australian beaches, and he seemed to gain a little weight, becoming a little stockier (but hardly less sexy).<br />
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I occasionally saw Tate in other shows and movies after that (including <em>A Cry in the Dark</em> and as recently as a guest spot on <em>Lost</em>), and heard that he showed up wearing nothing but short shorts in an Australian thriller called <em>Summerfield</em>. Curious, I bought the <em>Summerfield</em> DVD online and converted it to NTSC and was very glad I did. While Tate was a little chunkier than during <em>Space:1999</em>, the flick showcased his great body. There was even a nude scene, although his crotch is artfully concealed throughout. But as tight and revealing as his shorts were, you got a pretty good idea of the size and shape of his equipment anyway. On top of that, the flick is a good atmospheric thriller.</div>
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I also found <em>Space:1999</em> on DVD, and discovered that while Tate really did only totally lose his shirt in the one episode I happened to catch that winter day long ago, he did show up with his chest exposed in a number of episodes, to which the accompanying screen caps testify. Nick Tate may not have been the star of <em>Space:1999</em> – the good-looking stud with the great body never seems to have starred on English TV shows of that period – and his character wasn’t the commander of the space station, but there was no doubt in my mind who the alpha male of Moonbase Alpha was.</div>
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</div>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26650047027954367.post-78840393787195386172010-05-27T02:37:00.000+01:002013-01-29T23:42:00.805+00:00Ultrahot Furry Obsession<div dir="ltr" style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none; text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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I first discovered the British sci-fi show UFO in the late 1980s in reruns on cable TV, where I managed to catch it only intermittently. So it took me a long time to figure out that the events of the show, produced in 1970, were actually taking place in 1980 – that is, already almost a decade in the past. This made the show even quirkier than I think its creators intended – it was like instant retro-future, automatic camp.</div>
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But the show was more than just a pile of kitschy clichés – as seemed to be the case with so much Brit TV from that time period, it combined great acting with mediocre writing and piss-poor set and costume design. So frequently the dramatic tone of an episode would be dramatically at odds with its packaging. In other words, it really helped if you got stoned to watch it.</div>
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So while the promise of weird sci-fi lured me to the show in the first place, what kept me watching it long after I tired of the premise was Michael Billington, who played a supporting character, Paul Foster. (It seems that Brits at the time liked their lead heroes to be brainy leaders, relegating muscle to middle management. Americans, of course, want it all in one package: the leader must be a good looking stud, and at the same time brainy or at least street smart - but never, of course, merely “book smart”.)</div>
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Billington was one of those hairy, well-muscled Brits, like Sean Connery and young Jason Statham, whose natural-seeming buffness is just so much hotter than the gym rat look that even teen idol American stars strive for today. Then again, the show was made in 1970, and HGH and fat blockers and personal trainers were non-existent, so natural buffness was pretty much the only kind available (oh allright, natural buffness possibly aided by some free weight reps). Billington’s presence, his handsome face and muscular body covered with beautiful dark brown fur, was the most humanizing element in the spacey series; his earthiness contrasting nicely with the silver uniforms and fembot-like worker drone gals and his boss’s Bowie-esque bleached platinum hair (the lead character, Ed Straker, played by Paul Bishop, often in a wig), like an antique mahogany desk in an IKEA showroom.</div>
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<span style="font-size: x-small;">Some shots of Billington in roles prior to UFO:</span></div>
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The show didn’t last long, and I never saw Billington in any other role, but a nice warm spot is reserved in my psyche for the nearly naked Paul Foster sitting in a steambath, pouring water over his chest, and singing in a delicious baritone, “Beautiful Dreamer…”</div>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">UFO had some interesting uniforms.</td></tr>
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Unknownnoreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26650047027954367.post-61622162405335670022010-05-18T02:57:00.000+01:002012-12-28T14:45:02.341+00:00Best Chest in the Wild Wild West<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
To my knowledge there’s never been a “When Did You First Know?” poll, but if there were, I’d bet heavily that “watching <em>Wild Wild West</em> reruns” would take the number one spot for gay/bi men who grew up in the 60s through 80s. In forum after forum whenever this question is asked, several replies commenting on Robert Conrad’s chaps, cheeks, and, especially, chest immediately hit the board. And whenever someone brings up the subject of Conrad as Old West secret agent James West, any number of guys volunteer that watching his handsome face and muscular pecs/abs/buns, frequently in leather chaps and/or bondage, was how they first knew they were attracted to men.<br />
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It’s easy to see why. Even without Conrad, <em>The Wild Wild West</em> was one of the campiest and kinkiest TV shows in the most campy-kinky decade of all, the Pop Sixties of Andy Warhol and Batman and Emma Peel. Combining as it did Western, sci-fi, and spy genres, The WWW took advantage of every opportunity those genres offer – which is plenty – for softcore bondage and shirtless hero striptease. In this context, almost any handsome, decently built actor playing the part of the oft stripped-and-bound James West would have become the object of budding young homosexual lust. But because that actor was the incredibly ripped and exquisitely handsome Robert Conrad, <em>The Wild Wild West</em> was off-the-charts sexy.</div>
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Conrad had the perfect male torso (make that the perfect male upper body, since his biceps, shoulders, forearms and even back muscles were all perfection as well). His pecs were sharply defined, thick, shield-shaped filets of macho man-meat; his abs looked like they were etched in steel by Dr. No’s laser beam. And both were coated with just the right amount of beautiful brown man-fur.<br />
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And then there was the face. At the start of <em>The Wild Wild West</em>, Conrad was in his prime and was about as handsome as any leading man Hollywood has ever produced. He looked like some mad scientist – Dr. Franknfurter if not Dr. Loveless - had taken Tony Curtis and genetically reworked him to make him simultaneously both prettier and more ruggedly masculine. Conrad’s bright green eyes (which often looked blue, depending on what he wore), his walnut brown hair, his round boyish face all combined to make him - no other word for it - gorgeous, but his rugged jawline, sharp cheekbones, and heavy beard kept him from looking too pretty or boyish.<br />
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But of course, no man is perfect, and in some departments Conrad came up short – all too literally. He was probably no taller than 5’7” and from the waist down he was a bit less hot than from the waist up. His thighs and even calves were muscular but for my tastes too thick and stumpy-looking. On Hawaiian Eye, where he often wore little more than swim trunks and where he was accompanied by taller male, and sometimes even female, stars, he often looked more like a sidekick than a hero, more of a young punk than an alpha male, especially alongside Van Williams or Anthony Eiseley. The producers and directors on <em>Wild Wild West</em> seemed to have been well aware of Conrad’s shortcomings, however, and accentuated the positive, giving him cowboy boots with significant heels and dressing him in a distinctive quasi-Latin American bolero-vaquero outfit, with tight high-waisted pants that made his legs look longer and more slender. They also refrained from shaving his abs as was done on Hawaiian Eye (although on <em>WWW</em> from episode to episode the manner of and degree to which Conrad’s torso fur is trimmed varies from Shatnerian-shaven to practically Baldwinesque), which definitely pumped up the manliness factor. Thus prepared, the <em>WWW</em> producers/writers/directors then, whenever possible, took his shirt off and often tied his wrists behind his back, to prominently project his pecs and abs. “Shamelessly Shirtless Sexiness” would have been as good a description of <em>WWW</em> as “Weird Way-out Western.”<br />
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Conrad went on to other notable roles, especially in “Baa Baa Black Sheep”, where he portrayed Pappy Boyington, and on “Battle of the Network Stars”, where he played an asshole (himself), but none of his subsequent roles have endured in the public memory as WWW has. This is due in no small measure to the show itself of course; it was fun, strange, innovative, and action-packed, featuring some of the best fight scenes every filmed up to that time as well as some of the coolest gadgets that 19th superspy technology had to offer (if you want to see the origin of steampunk, look no further than Dr. Loveless’s lab). But the greatest reason for its enduring popularity was Conrad himself, whose James West set a new standard for secret agent studliness.</div>
Unknownnoreply@blogger.com9tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26650047027954367.post-6482144127160081922010-05-15T19:40:00.001+01:002012-07-21T16:34:53.015+01:00To Sir With Lust<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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On "Shindig" in early 1965, the singing duo Jackie and Gayle, then recently departed from the New Christie Minstrels, performed their debut single, an odd but danceable ditty voicing teenage frustration over the gorgeous but unavailable high school teacher they desired - and the monster mash-up of a faculty they were stuck with instead. "Why can't my teacher look like Mr. Novak?" ("I really want him!"), they warbled in their paean to the hottest educator then (or ever) on TV.<br />
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Decades later, I had occasion to ask myself the same question. I was skipping school, something I did a lot but might not have done so habitually if in fact any of my teachers did look like Mr. Novak ("instead of", as Jackie and Gayle put it, "like Mister Ed"). Flipping through TV channels looking for something to satisfy my teenage lust, I chanced upon re-runs of a black and white TV show featuring one of the most handsome men I had ever seen, a wiry blond stud with a ruggedly gorgeous face that practically typified masculine beauty. Now I had seen James Franciscus before, in "Beneath the Planet of the Apes" (kind of an understatement actually, as he was my first male crush, and in a big way), but I didn't recognize him in this role. Maybe it was the beard he sported in "Beneath"; while it seemed really sexy in "Apes", he looked even better without it.<br />
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But more likely the reason he seemed so strikingly different- and so striking, period - was that the TV show was shot in black and white. In color, Franciscus's golden hair and intense blue eyes and luminescent white teeth and contrasting Mediterranean swarthiness were dazzling distractions; but in black and white you could see just how perfectly shaped his facial features were on their own. Whereas in the movies in which I'd seen him, Franciscus looked like a blazingly colorful comic book hero come to life, in "Mr. Novak" he looked like an archetypal 1940s matinee idol. With "Mr. Novak" reruns as an added incentive, I played hooky quite a bit that year, probably not the behavioral response the show's producers had in mind when they tried to create a series about high school that kids could supposedly "dig".<br />
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There's something really hot about authority figures - cops, coaches, Old West lawmen, military officers, even lifeguards (Sam Elliott!) - but until "Novak" I never thought of teachers, especially male teachers, in that light. Suddenly that changed. I was in those days lusting primarily for the shirtless bolero-vaquero look of James West in bondage, or the nearly naked Sam Elliott in a Speedo. But John Novak, fully dressed in his white collar-drone suit, complete with skinny tie, and brandishing a briefcase full of grammar lessons instead of cool weaponry or a surfboard, immediately beat out those semi-nude demi-gods as number one with a bullet on my Hit-That Parade. Suddenly there was nothing more attractive than a lean, clean, razor-cut dude in a suit and tie, which was a weird turnabout for a slobby anti-establishment brat like me. Of course, since I'd already seen Franciscus flaunting his wares for an entire feature film wearing nothing more than a buckskin diaper, my imagination had no trouble placing Mr. Novak in extracurricular situations that required him to set aside his suit and tie and starched BVDs. For educational purposes of course.<br />
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I had not seen "Mr. Novak" in many years, but recently some episodes, or clips of them, have found their way onto YouTube and confirmed for me that it wasn't just a trick of memory - Novak really was one of the all time smokin' hot heroes of the tube. It's unlikely that the show will ever be released on DVD, but if it ever is, consider it worth checking out just to see the super-tasty Mr. Franciscus at his hottest and freshest.</div>
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</div>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26650047027954367.post-16209252339897590062010-05-13T02:27:00.000+01:002013-04-07T18:44:39.743+01:00Lonesome Cowboys<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
The release of "Brokeback Mountain" a few years back was apparently a watershed event in America's (the world's?) long, long journey out of psychosexual babyhood, but even so it was met with more than the usual amount of animosity because it involved a supposedly subversive take on a sacred American icon - The Cowboy. But seriously? Aside from sailors and jailbirds, is there any masculine archetype more readily associated with same-sex horseplay than the Horseman of the American West? Macho, rugged, borderline social deviant (can sexual deviant be far behind?), deprived of female companionship for long stretches, with their crotches rhythmically rubbing leather all the livelong day… why would it surprise anyone that those lonesome cowpokes should consider pokin' one another? Willie Nelson wrote a song about Cowboy Love years before "Brokeback" broke, supposedly as a joke - but you gotta wonder whether Willie wasn't just trying to skewer our assumptions about how ramrod-straight some of our bowlegged heroes really were. Whatever happened to Randolph Scott? Oh yeah, he shacked up with Cary Grant.*<br />
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But the actual historical reality or even likelihood of cowboy lovers is really kind of irrelevant - it's one of the hottest of same-sex fantasies, and one that seems to be making yet another comeback, if "Brokeback" is any indication. For those of us erotically weaned on B-movies and TV re-runs, cowboy co-hab was a favorite fantasy, because the men were usually painfully handsome (even though, or especially because, they were often unshaven and sweaty), hairy, muscular, and wearing tight jeans and/or chaps - and occasionally they were shirtless and tied up by Indians or bad guys. (Sometimes they were even tortured - but never with any lasting physical or emotional damage, of course.) <i>Cheyenne</i>, <i>Wagon Train</i>, <i>Laredo</i>, <i>Maverick</i>, <i>The Wild Wild West</i> - it seems that in the 50s and 60s Hollywood produced one show after another full of hot stallions, and in the 70s and 80s they re-ran them endlessly.</div>
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For me, the quintessential cowboy buddy show was "Laramie", in which the family of goodguy cowboy Slim Sherman, trying to hold on to their ranch, hires on a wiry, handsome dark-haired drifter named Jess Harper, and Slim and Jess, like Cary and Randolph, share a rustic pad. The dark drifter with the troubled past was played by Robert Fuller, one of the best-looking men ever to scorch the TV airwaves, and the goody-goody white-hat rancher was played by boyish bohunk John Smith. (Yes, John Smith. And yes, he looks exactly like you'd expect a "John Smith" would look - big, beefy, blond, and bland.)<br />
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While both men filled out their jeans nicely, Fuller also had a nice muscular build (Smith, while not flabby, was undefined and soft looking) and a perfect American hero's mug - a square, chiseled jaw, seemingly permanent five o'clock shadow, piercing blue eyes. He was the quintessential lovable bad boy (who when all was said and done, was not bad at all but simply misunderstood/mistreated/played by his own rules). Even Fuller's substandard dental work - including a big gap between his front teeth - only added to his rugged handsomeness.<br />
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It was this supposed wildness of the dark drifter and his subsequent domestication (in one episode he even serves Smith and his younger brother breakfast while dressed in a frilly apron) that provided not just dramatic tension for the series' narrative but erotic tension for those of us watching for more than just a story. Taming a stallion - what young aspiring cowboy doesn't have dreams, wet or otherwise, of doing just that?<br />
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* It must be pointed out, however, that Randolph Scott's family has consistently and vehemently denied that he was ever involved in any same-sex activity, and that the famous photos of him living with and cavorting with Cary Grant were probably just some weirdly misguided PR gone bad.</div>
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Unknownnoreply@blogger.com10tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26650047027954367.post-33764172693539696892010-04-29T02:37:00.000+01:002012-08-12T22:42:46.937+01:00Night of the Muscle-Bear<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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I don't know when the term "bear" was first coined by gay men to refer to a brawny, masculine, hairy adult male but I know I arrived at it entirely on my own and at a young age when I was first introduced to Clint Walker in "Night of the Grizzly." Forget the honey-lovin' woodland critter with claws, the big bear I wanted to watch in action was the shirtless Clint Walker prosaically digging post holes. Walker was a big ol' fur forest of a man, with a ruggedly handsome mug and deep blue eyes and what looked like a bearskin rug on his torso. Gritty and chiseled, all beef and no gristle, big Clint Walker was the original muscle bear, and to this day there's never been a finer celebrity example of the breed.</div>
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He looked great in "Grizzly", but it's in "Cheyenne" re-runs where in my opinion Clint was at his all-time hottest. Even now it's unusual to see such a big man with such a great body, but back in the 1950s, when "Cheyenne" was filmed, Clint's sculpted hairy pecs, huge shoulders and arms, and lean waist must have been phenomenal. And he kept in good shape through the years. </div>
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When in his 40s he appeared in "The Dirty Dozen" (where he made even the great Jim Brown look puny) and in "Sam Whiskey" (where he made bear cub deluxe Burt Reynolds look like a Tolkien dwarf), he was almost as lean and ripped as he was in the 1950s when he played Cheyenne Brody.<br />
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The Cheyenne series is available on DVD now, as are two of his movies from about the same period, "Fort Dobbs" and "Yellowstone Kelly." All three are must-sees for the Walker bearstalker.<br />
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</div>Unknownnoreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-26650047027954367.post-82027193835655712712010-04-29T02:21:00.000+01:002013-04-07T18:40:20.024+01:00Who's Your (TV) Daddy?<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
The most famous line in TV Sitcom history, at least among males from at least two generations, is June Cleaver's whining admonition to her husband,"Ward, you were a little hard on The Beaver last night."* (You could just imagine her squirming with both pain and pleasure in her seat as she said it.) <br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><i>Hugh Beaumont shirtless in Danger Zone.</i></td></tr>
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And every time I hear or read that line, I mentally add a little secondary snicker at the name "Beaver Cleaver", and marvel at how the same censors who raised hell about showing Wally and the Beav keeping a turtle in their toilet tank let that one slip without a word. While the show offered some lame explanation for the name (something about Wally not being able to pronounce young Theodore's name correctly), every kid in America "knew" it had to be a joking reference to the furry, pointy-headed critter that hung out in Ward Cleaver's baggy slacks. <br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="border-bottom: medium none; border-left: medium none; border-right: medium none; border-top: medium none; text-align: center;"><i>Bunny? Check. Wearing pajamas in public? Check. What's Hef got that I don't? </i></td></tr>
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For some reason, June Cleaver's complaints aside, it just seemed obvious that Ward Cleaver had a dick big enough to name. There was just something about Ward and the way Hugh Beaumont played him that gave you the impression that in his quiet way he was a real stud.** Despite being an ordained Methodist minister and hardcore family man in his own personal life, Beaumont had spent most of his pre-Beaver acting career playing dangerous (and, for the time, oversexed) men on the fringes of society: cops, con men, private dicks (investigators, not male escorts), spies both pro- and anti-American, gang leaders, felons, even murderers. is characters were usually exceptionally accomplished in the sleazy romance department, and treated "dames" and ladies alike as their prerogative if not their property. At one point, the producers of "Danger Zone", a prospective TV series starring Beaumont as a private detective in San Francisco, even tried to get Beaumont to do a little beefcake. In two of the episodes they gratuitously have him stripping to the waist just to change his shirt. Although Beaumont was in his 40s at the time, he looked mighty fine, showing a set of toned, hairy pecs that belong in the DILF Torso Hall of Fame, nestled snugly between Sean Connery and Mike Rowe. <br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_Dn9oMnUHx8Q/S9jeX0NEBFI/AAAAAAAAAA0/ORZfylxHGWE/s1600/hugh-beaumont-shirtless-2.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; cssfloat: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img alt="Hugh Beaumont shirtless" border="0" height="300" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_Dn9oMnUHx8Q/S9jeX0NEBFI/AAAAAAAAAA0/ORZfylxHGWE/s400/hugh-beaumont-shirtless-2.JPG" title="Hugh Beaumont (Ward Cleaver) Barechested" tt="true" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><i>Another shirtless Hugh Beaumont picture from the noir film Danger Zone.</i></td></tr>
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Somehow a hint of Beaumont's noir roles seemed to carry over like a five o'clock shadow into the character of Ward Cleaver. Despite his gray flannel suits and cardigan sweaters, you got the feeling that, if things got really bad, Ward knew how to take care of himself and his family, that he could out-badass Robert Mitchum if need be, and that before he'd settled down with his college sweetheart he'd sown more than his share of wild oats. He wasn't the handsomest, or the best-built, TV dad ever, but he was perhaps the hottest - and, in his own square way, the coolest.<br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">From <i>Objective:Burma</i>.</td></tr>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">From <i>Sucker List</i>.</td></tr>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">From <i>The Blue Dahlia</i>.</td></tr>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_Dn9oMnUHx8Q/S9jc_V3NQfI/AAAAAAAAAAc/T14mty8JHG4/s1600/dont-be-too-hard-on-the-beaver.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; cssfloat: right; margin-bottom: 0em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="290" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_Dn9oMnUHx8Q/S9jc_V3NQfI/AAAAAAAAAAc/T14mty8JHG4/s400/dont-be-too-hard-on-the-beaver.jpg" tt="true" width="400" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><i>Now Ward, don't be too hard on the beaver. </i></td></tr>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;"><i>The things a a man had to do to get a little pussy (or beaver) in the 50s. </i></td></tr>
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<span style="font-size: x-small;"><i>Beaumont shirtless again in a scene from a later Dennis O'Brien noir film,</i> Roaring City<i>. Not quite as hot as he appears in</i> Danger Zone<i>, but still looking good.</i></span><br />
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<i>* That June Cleaver never actually spoke these words doesn't matter - for generations of smartass kids, it's gospel. Apparently the closest thing along these lines that June ever said to Ward was in the episode "More Blessed to Give", where she said, "I hope you weren't too hard on the Beaver."</i></div>
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<i>** Interestingly, lists of alleged celebrity penis sizes that have floated around the Internet for years have claimed that Hugh Beaumont was indeed very well hung in real life. Of course, those lists are rarely supported by actual photos or eyewitness accounts or anything, and in several cases photos that do turn up tend to raise serious doubts.</i></div>
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